Because we live in a fallen world, most of us have endured a toxic relationship at sometime in our lives.
Toxic People
Certain people are considered “toxic” because they are like poison in a relationship. The Google definition for a toxic substance is harmful damaging, or injurious.
If you are constantly feeling damaged or injured by someone in your life, then you are probably in a toxic relationship. I am not a psychologist, but I have lived through a toxic relationship or two, and if you are like me, you may not even realize that you are in one; at least not at first.
For years I thought the toxic people in my life were just hurting on the inside, or were at least just misunderstood. I do believe they must have been hurting, in order to hurt others so deeply, and so frequently.
However, what I did not know, is that toxic people do things intentionally. Their goal is to hurt. They may deny the truth, place blame on others, go down rabbit trails during arguments, refuse to accept responsibility, mock, ridicule, neglect, or try to punish others in a multitude of other ways.
I am not referring to any type of physical abuse, although verbal or emotional abuse may be present, in one form or another.
Your toxic relationship could be a with a “so called” friend, a co-worker, your boss, a neighbor, a teacher, or a even a family member. Sometimes you can simply walk away from a toxic relationship. At other times, you may be stuck, at least for the time being.
Are You in a Toxic Relationship?
So how do you know if a relationship is toxic? First of all, when you are in a toxic relationship, you rarely feel good around that person. Sometimes the unpleasant feelings regarding them persist even when they aren’t around, because of the great amount of harm they are inflicting on your life.
Maybe they are incredibly charming or nice to you 20% of the time. That is the part that attracted you to them in the first place, right? They may be charming to everyone else except you, 100% of the time. Maybe you’ve wondered if anyone would even believe you, if you told them how the toxic person has been treating YOU.
Most of the time, you probably feel controlled, hurt, used, ridiculed, put down, left out, unappreciated, or simply ignored.
Secondly, problems are rarely worked out easily when dealing with a toxic person. Usually they have a vested interest in keeping the relationship the way it is.
They may feel the need to control and manipulate other people, harbor jealousy or envy toward you, or get a charge from hurting others. The toxic person in your life may simply care less about the relationship than you do.
According to George Simon, the author of In Sheep’s Clothing, honest people who care about relationships are often the targets of character-disordered (toxic) people.
Toxic people know that honest, caring people are more likely than others to give second chances, and also tend to value their relationships in general.
How to Be an Overcomer in a Toxic Relationship
What should you do if you think you are in a toxic relationship? In my opinion, your approach should be Biblical.
If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. Matthew 18:15-17
This passage refers to a relationship with another Christian, but I think it’s wisdom can be applied to other situations as well. First of all, it reads, if you have a problem with your brother, go to your brother. Don’t go and tell everyone else first (I have been guilty of doing this at times)!
So, what if the person doesn’t listen? Go and seek wise (Christian) counsel from two or three witnesses. Sometimes, just exposing the sin committed by the toxic person is enough to stop their unwanted behavior.
If they don’t listen to you, the two witnesses, or the church, then you are free to have nothing to do with them. Don’t feel bad about ending a relationship that is harmful to you, or someone in your family.
Once we had to end fellowship with an entire family because one of its members had a negative influence on one of our children. We tried several times to remedy the situation, to no avail. After that, we had to think of them as a whole family of tax collectors.
There were lonely times after that, for me and several of my children, because of our decision to end fellowship. You may be lonely for a while if you have to walk away from a toxic relationship, but you will regain your self-respect in the process.
For years I failed to properly confront several of my toxic people, because they were family members. I also neglected to discuss these unhealthy relationships with people that could make the toxic person accountable for his/her actions.
I didn’t want to tattle-tale, or throw the toxic person under the bus. I thought it would be disloyal. Dysfunctional family relationships can be difficult to deal with, but resolving them (the right way) brings about great rewards.
In family situations, sometimes we don’t want to confront the toxic person because it may harm a relationship with another family member with whom they are aligned.
I had an aunt that was often loud and rude in front of others. Nobody ever said anything to her about her behavior, because she was my grandmother’s favorite. We were unwilling to harm the relationship with our much-loved grandma.
I have often wished, and prayed for, a defender in these tough family situations. I used to wonder why no one never arrived to help me, until I realized that I needed to use Biblical principles to stand up for myself.
Respect and fair treatment SHOULD exist in all of my relationships (family included), because of who I am in Jesus.
If you are silently enduring an unhealthy relationship, then you are doing exactly what the toxic person wants. Remember, sin grows in darkness. But if you “turn on the lights,” evil deeds are exposed for what they truly are.
Everybody who does wrong hates the light and keeps away from it, for fear his deeds may be exposed. John 3:20
What if You Can’t Leave the Relationship, and the Toxic Person Never Changes?
What if you are stuck in a relationship where you alone desire a better friendship, working relationship, marriage, or etc.? In effect, what if the toxic person never changes, and you cannot completely get away from them?
One book that helped me tremendously was Love Must Be Tough, by James Dobson. The book is actually geared toward married couples, in which one partner is having an affair.
Although I haven’t personally experienced a marital affair situation, a friend recommended the book because the principles inside can be applied to all relationships where one person cares a lot, while the other one seems indifferent. In the book, they are referred to as the “cool” partner, and the “warm” partner (with the “cool” partner being the indifferent one).
Mistreatment is never the fault of the victim, but the fact that you care so much about keeping the relationship, or even desire a certain TYPE of relationship, might be part of the problem.
Sometimes we need to be willing to sacrifice a relationship, and put it “on the altar,” for our greater good.
A special friend of mine helped me to see that I need to find my worth in Jesus, and my relationship with Him, rather than in the mere human relationships found here on earth, for all of them are bound to disappoint us.
She also helped me to see that taking my focus off the behavior of others (and the desire for all of my relationships to be successful) and putting it on God and His word, might actually take away the power of toxic people to affect me so greatly.
I am halfway through a great book recommended by that same friend. Loving God with All Your Mind, by Elizabeth George, is helping me to take every thought captive, win over my worries, and count on God’s goodness in my life.
Rather than focusing on unhealthy relationships and the havoc they have caused in my life, I will choose to focus on My Savior, even if those people never, ever change.
Blessings,
Kristie
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