Does the 50/50 Marriage Really Work?
For the first 8 years of our marriage, I worked at a bank, worked my way through college, then taught in the public schools. I’ve been home for the last 22 years. My husband worked briefly in a factory (and other odd jobs), then worked in the wastewater field, where he’s been for the last 28 years.
When I worked, we practiced the 50/50 marriage model-or maybe I should call it the alleged 50/50 marriage model. How did we do it? Did it really work? What is the 50/50 model anyway?
The 50/50 marriage model is most often used by dual-income couples. The 50/50 model assumes that you and your spouse will share chores, childcare, and etc., equally. In some marriages, this model extends into the budget as well, assuming that each person will pay half, or an income-appropriate portion of the bills. In this post, I will be writing about my own experience, and the experience of a few good friends who exercised this model for marriage.
the beginning of our 50/50 marriage
Let’s start with the chores. Before I came home, and even when I lived with Dad, we cleaned on Thursday nights, so our weekends could be free. My dad led the charge for “cleaning night” when he was a single parent. Before my husband and I married, we had a trailer house that we paid for and cleaned together, even while I still lived at home. As a side note, let me say this was not good. Because my husband had a huge car payment, the trailer house required co-signing with his father and my income to pay for it. We were not even married yet, and needed both of our incomes to pay the bills.
me and my Dad (on the left), pictured with his family
Let’s get back to cleaning night. I had to initiate cleaning night, and nag my fiancé to begin and finish on a weekly basis, in order to get the job done. At the time, my dad had recently remarried, and our blended family cleaned together on Saturdays. So, I cleaned not once, but two times per week. My husband had never participated in a “cleaning night” or “family chore day” while he lived at home. The problem (at that time) was not the amount of work he completed, but my shouldering all of the responsibility for initiating, delegating, and following cleaning night rigors through to completion.
The 50/50 Marriage After children
The pattern continued, and worsened after we had children. I found myself doing all the laundry, and half the cleaning while trying to breastfeed and teach school full time. In those days, I carefully hung up all of our shirts and let them air dry. I also ironed my clothes every night before work. I was extremely stressed and overburdened all the time, with precious few hours available to enjoy our new baby.
my Mom, a traditional homemaker, when she was pregnant with my sister
Researcher Rebecca Horne completed a study involving 900 couples and their partners. Data was gathered through a series of questionnaires when the participants were 25, 32, and 43 years of age (her findings were fascinating, but not surprising to me-read the whole article below).
Horne’s research supports the findings of a 2016 study conducted by the U.K.’s Office for National Statistics, which found that women did an average of 60 per cent more unpaid work than men, which includes cooking, childcare, and housework.
It also aligns with new data from Statistics Canada, which found that despite the fact that Canadian men are doing more chores at home than they did in the past, Canadian women are spending an average of 50 per cent more time doing unpaid work than men, showing that the gender imbalance at home is ever present.
me and Mom, when I was 14 months old
My working friends had similar testimonies. Husbands wanted their wives to work outside the home 40 hours a week-that was the 50/50 part they liked. But when it came to housework, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, and shuttling children, the women always did a lot more. One of my best teacher friends and her husband cleaned on Saturdays. His only job was to clean the bathrooms, while she cleaned everything else. She would complain that it took him all day to clean the bathrooms, and he would say, “Why do you care?”
First of all, taking all day in the bathrooms prevented him from helping with anything else. Secondly, it cancelled any options for doing something fun while it was still daylight.
my working friends and I felt responsible for making sure everything was done around our home.
Long before I came home, I knew that our marriage model was not truly 50/50. I became a Christian when my daughter was 6 months old, and began to learn about God’s design for women and men. I learned that men were called to protect and provide while women were called to bear children and keep the house. What? Eww. At first I was really angry. Being the keeper of a house full of children and living on what my husband could provide seemed like a punishment. Yet, I missed my baby terribly, and knew that our current model was not working.
So what happened after I came home? I’ll start with childcare. The old patterns slowly faded. Although I was eager to take care of my 2 year-old daughter full time, it was still hard. Caring for a baby or toddler at night and on the weekends with a partner is different from caring for that same child alone. Two weeks after I came home, I found out I was pregnant (surprise!) My son was born 7 months after I came home.
My surprise pregnancy turned out to be our only son. What a blessing he has been.
The days were long, but the nights with the babies were longer. About 18 months after I stopped working, my husband switched from shift work to a day job. Our third child was the first newborn baby I cared for alone. I remember feeling so victorious, once she began sleeping through the night. Before that, my husband worked shift work, and was available to help. If one of the babies wouldn’t go back to sleep after breastfeeding, he would play with them because he was awake anyway. It’s funny when I look back now. The Lord incrementally changed my circumstances, allowing me to slowly become the mom I wanted to be.
our third child- the first baby I cared for alone
What about the chores? As a young, full time homemaker, I did away with cleaning night. I cleaned by myself once a week, when I had time. When my oldest daughter turned 4, we began homeschooling. After that, the kids had to help with the chores every day in order to get everything done. Nowadays, the girls and I clean the bathrooms once a week, and dust and clean the heart pine floors every two weeks.I still homeschool, do the household budget/pay the bills, and 95% of the cooking. The girls fold and deliver the laundry. The two youngest girls and I also earn extra money cleaning our neighbor’s Airbnb about 8 times per month-as I’ve mentioned in previous posts. I’m also free to run errands sometimes with the older children. Yesterday, my 17 year-old daughter and I went to the dollar stores to buy graduation decorations, then ate lunch at Zaxbys. Now that my children are older, I get to spend lots of time just hanging out with them, and hearing about their lives.
my third child, the first baby I cared for alone, is graduating from high school this Friday.
My husband is basically the sole provider for our household. He also does the yard work and helps me put the dishes away at night after dinner (when he’s not coaching one of the girls in softball).
What are the benefits of doing things God’s way?
There is a lot more peace in our relationship, now that we are free to focus on our own duties. I don’t have to nag him to do what he feels is unimportant (housework, lol), or feel resentful because I’m missing my children. We didn’t have peace overnight though. There were lots of tears, arguments, and tough times before we reached the stage we are in now. Following the culture for the first 8 years of our marriage couldn’t be undone overnight.
Now, I’m free to focus on what God has called me to do. I don’t have to carry the burden for providing for our family, or nag my husband to help me sweep and vacuum in order to survive. As a mother, I don’t have to stress about the people watching my children, because I’m taking care of them myself. My days are free to homeschool, cook meals, and keep our home. If I want to make extra money, I can. Our budget is not based on the money I earn, thank goodness. Our weekends aren’t bound up in laundry and housework, because the kids and I do those chores on the weekdays while my husband is at work.
clowning around at Easter
Honestly it was such a relief (and still is) to be able to focus all my energy on my home, and the people that live in it.
When the children were small, my life as a woman was harder than my husband’s. Although I was happy and grateful, sometimes I did wish that I could get in my car and drive away every morning, like a man-especially when the 5th child had colic.
Nowadays, my husband’s life is harder than mine. In addition to coaching the girls at times, he has an extra job on the weekends to better provide for our family. Hopefully, we are nearing the point where the extra job money can be saved, or spent on fun vacations. Are you are a young woman, struggling through long days of child rearing? Do you wish you could be a stowaway in your husband’s car, and sneak off to work with him for a day? Take heart, your life will get easier. Being the man of the family is not always easier, although it seems that way when the children are young. It is a heavy burden for my husband to provide for himself, and 6 other people. However, it is important to remember that God has equipped men to bear the burden of providing, just like women are equipped to bear children, breast feed, and nurture the family. Also, men who single-handedly carry the task of providing make different financial decisions than those who can depend on someone else to pick up the slack.
Have you ever tried the 50/50 marriage model? I’d love to hear from you!
Blessings,
Kristie
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Read A Homemaker’s Day and A Woman’s Right to Come Home
Your comments are so profound. I have been married for 48 years . I wish I had had your insight into the roles of men and women. God bless you and your family.
Thanks for your lovely remarks. I was lucky to have a pastor’s wife that taught sound, Biblical teaching to the women of our church on the 2nd and 4th Wednesdays of the month. I still attend, but now I teach the children so that their mothers can learn what I learned. Also, the teaching served as an encouragement to me, because once I knew the truth, I still needed to be reminded of God’s will for women.
I think we all see our marriages differently and the roles each of us play depends on our personalities, our upbringing, our beliefs, who works more outside the home – and so many other factors. My husband has always been very helpful around the house and does more than his fair share (especially now that he works from home). In the years when I was home more, I did more of the homemaking, when he was home he picked up and did more. Some men hate doing “women’s work” and pull their weight by being the breadwinner and doing the yard work. We’re all different. No marriage is ever 50/50 – it fluctuates based on what needs to be done and who’s free to do it.
I’m grateful to have a husband who shares the load and we don’t tally up the contribution we each make. If things get a bit tense then we redistribute the load. Life is good and comparing our marriages to others is unhealthy – what works for one may not work for another. What’s important is that we’re in this crazy ride together, we love each other, and we have fantastic kids who have had good role models – we can’t ask for more than that can we?
I write in generalities regarding the situations of most women, but there will always be exceptions. Statistically speaking, most women who work 40 hours per week (me included, when I worked full-time) do 50 to 60% more unpaid work than their husbands. My friends, in spite of their beliefs, had the same experience. I do know a few women whose husbands work for themselves, and subsequently do more in the home. Often they stop work early to come home and start the rice, pick up the kids, etc. In those cases, the women work longer hours than their husbands, and are required to provide the medical insurance for the family. Although their husbands do more housework, they provide less and have more erratic incomes than their male counterparts, which causes a different type of frustration for their wives. It leaves those women feeling pressured to provide more, and less time to nurture the children. I thought about mentioning their experience in my post, but thought I would interview those particular women, do some research on that specific situation statistically, and write a separate post regarding it. Regardless of the situation, God gives different roles to men and women for our own benefit. But He also gives us the free will to make our own choices.
Kristie,
This was a really interesting post!! Both my husband and I were raised by working mothers who worked full time. My Dad cooked ( better than my Mom actually) and helped around the house. Joe’s Dad did all the food shopping and cleaned!! I worked full time most of our married life except for the last 3 years when I was part time. Joe has always done the food shopping because he enjoys it and I hate it. Hence, the reason why since he retired, he works part time at Wegman’s because I think he was there every day anyway so I said he might as well get paid for being there all the time!! LOL!! Joe has always done all the laundry and he is the dish washer. Very early in our marriage, he told me that I did not do the dishes right. That is when the dishes became his job and not mine. He learned to never say anything like that to me again!! LOL!! He LOVES to shop so he does all the running for things. Now that I am no longer working but recovering from surgery, I will have to restructure my days and what I do at home once I am more mobile. I look forward though to being able to do all the things that I was not able to get to do when I was working. I do enjoy your posts about coming home !! Keep them coming as they are very thought provoking. I hope you and your family have a wonderful Holiday weekend!!
Hugs,
Debbie
I hope your knee gets better soon, Debbie. Writing about God’s roles for men and women is a sticky wicket, to be sure, especially in this day and age. Have a great weekend! I’ll be watching my lovely third child graduate from high school tonight. As always, thanks for the encouragement.
I haven’t ever heard of the 50/50 plan. It seems to me like “keeping score,” so to speak, would be one of the biggest problems with it. I have heard of both husband and wife giving 100%, which seems like the best solution. If you do your best and so does he, and you both help out any time help is needed, then chances of being happy go up dramatically. 🙂
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I think a 40 hour work week for the wife was the central point of that label, with the promise of the husband doing an equal share around the house. The 50/50 marriage plan totally disregards God’s roles for men and women. If you’re obeying the Lord, you are doing 100%, just like you wrote in your comment.
Thanks for your post, it is a very interesting read and I love all the comments as well. Very nice that you have found your peace. Congratulations to your daughter and to the family that nurtured her 🙂
Kathleen
Blogger’s Pit Stop
Yes M’am, the comments are always thought provoking. It’s so wonderful to receive feedback, even when the person has a different view on the subject. Thanks for popping in from the Blogger’s Pitstop Party!
I believe couples need to find out what works for them, it’s the only way to make the marriage work. I usually do most of the house chores, but delegate anything that relates to maintenance to my husband – he’s great at that and loves it more than cleaning or cooking.
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We do the same, Teresa.
I do believe marriage is a lot of giving and take. Sometimes it feels like we’re doing a good job of 50/50 and other times it feels like we’re definitely giving way more than 50%. I must say that when a marriage is being handled through God’s way that it has a greater chance of survival and happiness.
It was interesting reading about how your own relationship has transpired throughout the years. I’m glad you’ve been blessed with the opportunity to have your husband be the breadwinner in your home.
Thanks, Crystal. I am so happy that I can focus on nurturing the children, and taking care of our home- without too much help. Lol. My husband does all the maintenance and yard work-basically the outside stuff.
Definitely a lot to think about. I never really thought in terms of actual percentages…I do more cooking but my husband is always very helpful with cleaning up afterwards. He handles more outside chores and I do more inside. With the kids, our roles have both changed over the years due to their needs with rides and sports etc. Anyway, great post! Thanks for linking to Best of the Weekend. Your post was our most clicked this week! Congrats and have a wonderful weekend!
Shelley
Thanks, Shelley. I’m happy to keep the conversation going regarding God’s roles for men and women.
Yours was the most clicked at Best of the Weekend last week! This is a very thought provoking post. I like the near-last statement of the sole provider making different money decisions when he is the primary income maker. Hopefully, true! Because if not….. ahhhh!
I noticed a long time ago– it is true what you say– even though both work, the woman ends up doing more of the housework and child managing, usually. Not good.
I’ve been grateful for a part-time job that allows me to bring my children with me– but it has gotten harder and harder as they get older, and this past year I’ve asked and received more hours at home instead of the office.
Thanks for sharing!
Liberty @ B4andAfters.com
There’s nothing wrong with having a nice little cottage industry! It seems like more women are able to work from home with all the modern technology.
The gift of staying home with your kids is the best you can give. I stayed home with my kids too and home schooled as well.
Happy weekend,
Kippi
Yes, Kippi, you are so right. I don’t regret one single past or future minute at home with my beautiful children.